spontaneous birthings
head fluff when illuminated can reveal some very special thingsArchive for coincidence
a perhaps secret
I have a secret. It’s more like a tugging feeling that I’ve had since I was a child. It’s a secret that doesn’t have a concrete beginning or end. It’s as if it’s composed of spiderwebs, miraculously strong but can be torn apart by a fingernail. I was planning to reveal it when I do, indeed, write my memoir. I thought I would have figured my life out by then, discuss it with detail and confidence that whatever is was supposed to be and look at the results of my life, and be content with them.
But the tugging never ends. I’ve written about my pursuit of finding my purpose and nothing much has changed. What has changed is that I am no longer afraid of change.
I have always held a confidence that even I know not where it comes. Why am I so certain that everything will work out and that I will somehow find myself doing meaningful work for others and myself? How can I hold such faith when I cannot explain it?
When I was in the 4th grade, a spiritual man told me that I was special. I believed him with my whole heart. Perhaps I needed to hear that more than ever in my childhood and so I was influenced with more fervor than he probably intended, but that moment pops up in my consciousness every now and then, like a flicker that keeps reminding me to seek a greater goal, a bigger vision, a better way of offering my gifts to others. My life has not been golden; in fact, quite the opposite for there was always a darkness in the pit of my stomach – perhaps why the tugging remained.
Why do I confess this now? I am listening to what my body is telling me. Perhaps it’s TKD and the wonderful people who I have the pleasure of knowing, but I am listening to what my being needs. And oddly, my external surrounding is matching them.
There are no coincidences. That’s what you find out when you start paying attention.
a whorl of a tale
I have been more aware of the simple occurrences that happen, and have happened, in my life. Perhaps it’s due to the books I’ve been reading – the most recent, What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson, a collection of true journeys of people who were able to find their calling in life through coincidences, some lucky opportunities, and inevitably, hard work. I find myself dissecting my life, to see if I can find clues in the experiences I’ve been through, to see if something will grab hold of me, paralyzing me with a sense of purpose.
There have been many times when I’ve felt intense discomfort with the thought of not having a specific end goal. While I embrace my eclectic interests and my mind that never tires from soaking in more from life and all of its caverns, there are times when I think of it as a curse. It prevents me from finding that one thing to do. I blame my fear of settling. I blame my fear of giving in for the sake of ease or for its material rewards. But I also fear striving for something that is unclear to me.
However, since the past 3 or 4 months, with graduate school plans ahead, and still, with a blurred vision of my purpose, I am far more content than I have ever dreamed I’d be. For the first time in my life, I am OK with this uncertainty. I even find myself excited about the surprise! factor.
I have rarely listened to the advice of my parents, or anyone, for that matter. I have always made my own path, trudged through personal obstacles that were the result, and somehow, have always managed to get by. Some experiences that have tested my strength and courage I will never regret, and others, I wear them as badges, my own reminder that I’ve made it through yet another battle. And yet, the most important lesson I’ve learned in all of this is that you can’t succeed (and I don’t mean business-wise) without help – which took me 25 years to learn. Maybe if I heeded the advice of my elders, I would have had far less bruises.
There is a point to all of this.
My memories are often snapshots – of conversations, moments made significant by the details – and they stubbornly remain vivid in my mind. I stumble upon my own history when I least expect it. The present will summon my past, bringing to my conscious surface specific instances that I cannot help but to analyze. Coincidences are powerful when you take a moment to notice them.
Recently, I agreed to participate in a creative workshop, based on Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. The workshop is more like a fellowship, composed of friends I’ve made through my current journey (which undoubtedly will be the most important in my lifetime). The funny thing is – I was given the book as a gift from my Aunt Joanne – 8 years ago. I had just graduated from high school, and was about to head off to MD for my first year of college. I never read the book. It had a strong spiritual aspect that I couldn’t connect to at the time. And here I am, at 26 years old, spearheading a workshop inspired by this one book. I know it’s not a mere coincidence that I was introduced to the book before, albeit when I wasn’t ready for its message. And then at another huge turning point in my life, it resurfaces, but this time, when I’m ready because, in a way, I’ve actually been living it. It still gives me the shudders.
It makes me believe that I do have a purpose. It makes me believe that experiences like these do guide me in whichever way I am to be formed. It’s awe-inspiring, almost magical. And I have to remind myself that it is OK that I do not have the answer all the time. I used to think I always had the answer, and more often than not, I’d find myself lost. But now, I’m confident in the path I’m on. It may not have road signs, but I’m always in the presence of great company, there are always rest stops when I need them, and there is a constant, brilliant light to guide me. I know with all of this, I’ll reach my true center.
spontaneous birthings 