spontaneous birthings
head fluff when illuminated can reveal some very special thingsArchive for dreams
in dreams pt. 2
It happened again, but this time, with fireworks.
The Ex is there. (I’ll call him Mr. Ex.) He is in the kitchen, separated from the room I am in (a metaphor for the nature of our relationship?), and tells me he just got back from Colorado. “Oh, that’s nice,” I reply. He was there visiting his girlfriend’s family. His girlfriend. The blood rushes from my head to my toes.
Scene changes, as they quickly do in dreams.
I am chatting with a homely girl. She is his girlfriend. All of a sudden, a rage bursts from my chest, out of my throat, and I yell, “I loved him!; I was in love with him!; He told me I was the best girlfriend he ever had!” and blah blah, some more roaring. It feels really good and I can feel my skin glowing. I think Mr. Ex is smiling.
And then I wake up with a start, needing to urinate badly. Had I not really gotten over him? Is this me accepting the past, and finally letting go? Does dreaming it help me let it go?
Was I really in love?
in dreams do dwell
You can swear “you’re over him” or you’re over that time when you were learning how to ride a bike and your sister promised you an ice cream cone if you made it to the end of the driveway, but when you did, she said she was “just kidding” (ok, maybe I’m not over that), but don’t squeeze your ego too tight, for they have a tendency to pop up in dreams.
There have been a couple of times when I’ve dreamt of former boyfriends. It always suprises me for I think of them rarely. Why dream of them now when it has been years since the break-up? And why dream of them when the interaction is a mere passing or a short conversation about nothing in particular?
Other times I shake from dreams very angry and on the verge of crying for yelling at someone for some reason or other. I don’t know why I would have such dreams when I’m perfectly happy with that someone in real life. Is there a hidden resentment? Seems like the obvious answer is Yes, but I think a part of me just wants to yell.
I wonder if I am a different person in my dreams? Do I have a different frame of reference in dreams, a different history and different personality? Can my dream-self grow and mature? I have more questions brewing, but will leave it at that for now…
science of sleep
I had a disturbing dream last night. It was so disturbing that I can’t even describe it here, in this blogosphere that contains my personal thoughts and observations. Blogging to me means revealing something meaningful about our reality or each other; it means revealing something useful.
But I must write about my night-experience, useful or not, because it raises some important questions. I wonder what it means when the unconscious mind uncovers unpleasantness, something bad – like murder? Does dreaming about committing a horrible act imply a secret darkness, that we are capable of such evil deeds? How much are we made of dreams?
Some would argue that our dreams reveal our innermost desires and impulses, however wondrous or horrific. Others would say that they are apparitions of a busy mind, tempered by the act of existing and our brilliant brains, and nothing more. I’m not sure what I believe. I’ve had dreams before that mirrored the tremblings of my brain and heart with uncanny accuracy, and I’ve been able to analyze them as explanations for stress and random mind-wanderings.
But my dream last night was not a simple wandering. I wonder if the evil things we do in dreams reveal something about ourselves? I cannot imagine myself doing what I did in my dream. But maybe I did in some other way…in the way that we all have the option to do good or bad, that there is a very real possibility that we choose bad over good. I suppose our ultimate character is revealed in how we choose in our everyday, non-dream lives. But, what do our subconscious actions say about ourselves? About me?
meaningful head fluff
I visited Kim & Bill, and adorable-precious-deliciously-cute little Lani this past weekend. Whenever I do so, I often find myself thinking about being adopted. It’s a frequent topic between my sister and me, and now whenever I hold Lani, I wonder how it was when I was as small as she. Who held me? Did someone try and make me giggle and laugh?
I never desired to find my birthparents. I held the resolve that it wasn’t possible since there was no information about me and where I came from and to whom I belonged. And besides, I have a family.
One night this weekend I dreamt that I was in an old apartment. A bunch of children, around 10-16 years old, ran through the halls trying to find their room. The room that had information about their birthparents. I found mine, and in it was a letter saved for me. It was from an aunt. I think it was in Korean, but I don’t remember. I don’t think I even knew what it said. It was thrilling enough that something was actually left behind for me. I had access to a bit of my birth history.
I ran to find Kim. She held up something ornate, very beautiful, but I don’t recall what it was. I think it was from her grandmother, but the details are vague. We were both so happy.
I haven’t had a dream about birthparents or Korea or anything from my infancy since I was in Korea, or the first year or so I was in the States. It really surprised me that I had dreamt this at all. Perhaps my openness to learning about my past and the country in which I breathed my first breath invited the dream. I do want to go back to visit the orphanage and see where I came from. I know now that I have to do this for myself. Because I want to go back. Because it’s all a part of me.
spontaneous birthings 