spontaneous birthings
head fluff when illuminated can reveal some very special thingsArchive for August, 2008
ifs, ands, butts
You have to wonder why the body reacts when it does, why at certain times, why when the mind seems to have no idea of what is to happen.
It has been over 2 1/2 years since I last smoked a cigarette. Why, after all this time, have I been craving cigarettes? It’s happened once or twice, here and there, usually late at night, and linger no longer than a few seconds. The past week or so, the desire loiters longer, is a bit stronger, and makes me want to shake whatever brain neurons are making me feel this way – shake them like an Etch-a-Sketch so everything is fuzzed out, and the craving does not exist.
It is revolting to me to smell smoked tobacco. It makes my throat tense and my nose scrunch and my stomach turn. So, why, when I want to puke at the smell of cigarettes, is this happening? What’s even more odd is that I don’t feel any stress or strain in my life, which were former reasons for my lighting up.
My craving is a contradiction. Things are going great in my life. And yet I have an urge to light up something that can kill me. Granted, I will never, ever smoke another cigarette. I know the outcome will be too grave to risk such a stupid and impulsive behavior. However, why does my body trick me into wanting something so destructive when my mind is clear and everything in my life is going so well?
It makes me wonder, how connected is the mind to the body and vice versa?
a perhaps secret
I have a secret. It’s more like a tugging feeling that I’ve had since I was a child. It’s a secret that doesn’t have a concrete beginning or end. It’s as if it’s composed of spiderwebs, miraculously strong but can be torn apart by a fingernail. I was planning to reveal it when I do, indeed, write my memoir. I thought I would have figured my life out by then, discuss it with detail and confidence that whatever is was supposed to be and look at the results of my life, and be content with them.
But the tugging never ends. I’ve written about my pursuit of finding my purpose and nothing much has changed. What has changed is that I am no longer afraid of change.
I have always held a confidence that even I know not where it comes. Why am I so certain that everything will work out and that I will somehow find myself doing meaningful work for others and myself? How can I hold such faith when I cannot explain it?
When I was in the 4th grade, a spiritual man told me that I was special. I believed him with my whole heart. Perhaps I needed to hear that more than ever in my childhood and so I was influenced with more fervor than he probably intended, but that moment pops up in my consciousness every now and then, like a flicker that keeps reminding me to seek a greater goal, a bigger vision, a better way of offering my gifts to others. My life has not been golden; in fact, quite the opposite for there was always a darkness in the pit of my stomach – perhaps why the tugging remained.
Why do I confess this now? I am listening to what my body is telling me. Perhaps it’s TKD and the wonderful people who I have the pleasure of knowing, but I am listening to what my being needs. And oddly, my external surrounding is matching them.
There are no coincidences. That’s what you find out when you start paying attention.
spontaneous birthings 