spontaneous birthings
head fluff when illuminated can reveal some very special thingsArchive for June, 2008
sprout!
Some comments special people make really stick. There are a few that my Dad has said over the span of 20 years that I will never forget. One was something he said about 2 years ago, when we used to get together for monthly lunch-dates, our special time to re-bond as adults and share our lives.
He said that there will probably come a day when I just burst with conversation and cannot stop myself from talking, from letting it all out, the years of thoughts I’ve kept inside, just spilling out from my mouth, from my limbs and through all the various ways the body expresses.
Well, that day has come. The “day” has lasted the past 3 weeks and shows no signs of stopping, and the words keep flowing. It took a shaking-up – combine a break-up, intense bonding sessions with friends and an unavoidable head-butt with a sibling – for me to release it all. Everything. Nothing spared, unless of course there is a need for filtering. (Which we all know that when it comes to the stripped, honest truth, some filtering is always necessary.)
I’m a fire hydrant sprouting water with full force onto the street. I’m cleaning up my messes through excessive talking.
It’s a different suit I’m wearing, but it fits. For now. And I’m just going with that.
worth the work
Why is it so difficult to recognize your value when you’re in the eye of a whirlpool? We get sucked in the mess that surrounds us – contradicting feelings, thoughts, questions desperate to touch ground and settle already – and we seem to lose a sense of self. Perhaps that’s why feeling so much, feeling so intensely, is something to be frightened of. Despite your knowing that it is still you, just at a different state, we are unsettled by the quickness of reaction, the fierceness of the emotion, how spontaneous we can naturally be.
And there are random moments when the whirlpool settles. You walk by a beautiful stone building on a hot evening in Dupont Circle, and can smell flowers flooding the humid air. You look and there are gorgeous magnolias bursting with life and possibility. And you forget about the whirlpool and smile at the beauty that is there.
But it’s not until you speak with a good friend, that you share and exchange life stories in hopes to comfort the other, thereby getting closer than ever before – that you both realize, that even in the middle of a storm, you are still growing and becoming your true self. You realize that you are worth the work.
We are all worth the work. No matter what that means to you exactly. The “work” for me is to never apologize for the way I feel, to embrace what I feel and not to fear it, and to have faith that I will know if I should completely let go or keep holding on.
shaking it out
I wouldn’t change my experience with her for anything. She opened my eyes to a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. That I can really love. That I can really offer myself. That love is messy but I can deal with it because that’s why life is beautiful. Things get messy but then there’s a gorgeous horizon and you realize it’s not all about you.
It’s funny what you learn when you’re on your knees. Trying to wrestle your feelings. Trying to suppress them because you don’t want to hurt this bad. But that’s what got you in this beautiful mess.
I say “mess” because I’m learning you have to dig through the guts of a situation -when you feel you’re most vulnerable. That’s when you know how strong you really are. That’s how you can measure how much you’ve grown. That’s why life is worth living.
If love was easy, people wouldn’t search so hard to find it. I am grateful for being open to the beauty of reaching out and connecting with someone. I am grateful for being able to feel so deeply – the pleasure of happiness and joy in comfort, as well as the immense heartache that follows when one lets go.
I write this because this is how I heal. This is how I know that I am OK. This is how I survive. I used to crawl into a Kristen-hole and plug my ears to the outside world and the comforting words of friends and family. But thankfully I’ve matured and have realized it’s not about me. Even when I’m feeling my deepest emotions, this life I’ve been blessed with is not all about me.
My life and my experiences are really about the people in my life. My family and my friends who give me more love than I could have ever imagined. And I’ll keep looking forward because I have an adventure-filled life to live.
I’ll keep my eyes upward, focused on the brilliant light that encourages me to keep pushing on and to keep loving. And I will allow myself to feel whatever I feel, and to love myself always.
