spontaneous birthings
head fluff when illuminated can reveal some very special thingsArchive for April, 2008
blooming cliche
The older I get, the more I realize how revealing cliches can be. I used to hate over-used phrases because I thought they were said out of convenience. Come on, I used to listen to (aka be obsessed with) Tori Amos, and she had some quirky lyrics which I tried desperately to match – all to avoid the “horrible cliche”.
I’ve been finding that certain phrases that people use over and over are in fact, used over and over, because of their truism – and not because they’re just phrases that easily come to mind. For example, everyone always says (and by “everyone,” I mean people who have already found the love of their lives and try to encourage their single friends that they will find the same), “Just wait and the right person will come along,” or “Don’t search for it; it’ll find you when the time is right.” I say these things all the time to my friends. I even tell myself the same thing.
So, why is it difficult to believe when it really happens to me? I have been single for over 3 years now. I’ve dated some, but nothing has been serious, and I’ve actually enjoyed my single life in the past couple of years, focusing on my self-growth and positive betterment.
Then out of the blue, I get hit with sunshine, and feelings for a special someone start blooming without my noticing…until I say out loud how I feel to myself, and then tell that special someone because I can’t keep it in. And then it becomes real, and feelings mature all on their own as if they know what is best for us.
And now, here I am, in shock that cliches can be beautiful.
answers not required
Those who know me, who have listened to me rant and rave about society, culture, my life, their life, etc., know that I tend to get dreamy and philosophical.
I’ve been hit with something recently that is too fresh to expand on here, but that has opened a new door in yet another hallway, to yet another bungalow in my life.
In the past couple of years, I’ve felt that I’ve grown what a normal person my age would grow in, say, 5 or 6 years. Yes, it’s that dramatic. I’ve changed my lifestyle so I can better live the way I admire and eventually embrace without effort. I’m talking a life of minimum sugar (a major obstacle for me), minimum caffeine (another obstacle), of meditation and calm (the former is like climbing Mt. Everest and the latter and I have a nice friendship going on), of bubbling laughter and good vibes and good food – you know, a lifetime of vacation. Not to discount hard work (I can be quite the over-achiever), but really I think we all can live a “vacation” life – and still treat each other with compassion and respect.
Back to philosophizing. I thought the other day, “Who am I really?” “Where do I fit in the big picture?”
I thought I had myself figured out; I know what I like and dislike; I know what values I seek in friends and lovers, what I fear about relationships in general; I know my life goals. I am more confident with myself and what I offer others than I have ever felt in my life; yet, I still felt doubt about my true self in that moment.
I’ve always wanted answers. I’m curious; I ask questions a lot. But sometimes, answers aren’t required. So I guess I’m not done growing up. Such is the cliche, but it is exciting, no?
in dreams pt. 2
It happened again, but this time, with fireworks.
The Ex is there. (I’ll call him Mr. Ex.) He is in the kitchen, separated from the room I am in (a metaphor for the nature of our relationship?), and tells me he just got back from Colorado. “Oh, that’s nice,” I reply. He was there visiting his girlfriend’s family. His girlfriend. The blood rushes from my head to my toes.
Scene changes, as they quickly do in dreams.
I am chatting with a homely girl. She is his girlfriend. All of a sudden, a rage bursts from my chest, out of my throat, and I yell, “I loved him!; I was in love with him!; He told me I was the best girlfriend he ever had!” and blah blah, some more roaring. It feels really good and I can feel my skin glowing. I think Mr. Ex is smiling.
And then I wake up with a start, needing to urinate badly. Had I not really gotten over him? Is this me accepting the past, and finally letting go? Does dreaming it help me let it go?
Was I really in love?
spontaneous birthings 