Apparently, I have some whirlpool in my psychosis that funnels apologies in every which way, making it impossible for me to hold back all the “sorry!”s that are desperate to escape.  It’s odd to have an innate apologetic nature.  I can’t say that I know exactly where it stems from, but I have some theories.  From the moment you are born to, really, any point in adulthood, circumstances and consistent (or rare) encounters shape the way a person reacts to his/her surroundings.

I am actually much better than I used to be.  I don’t apologize nearly as much as I used to.  I would “sorry” any instance where: 1) I thought I was in someone’s way, 2) I made the slightest mistake, 3) I had to walk by someone (it’s odd I know, but it’s true, I would apologize instead of saying “excuse me”), 4) If I spoke over someone, 5) If I had something to say.  I could go on, but I’m starting to sound really pathetic, so I’ll stop here. 

The thing is, my personality leans towards the apologetic side.  I am a small person, and never liked being the center of attention.  “Sorry”s would pop out of my mouth without my control.  Now, I understand the unattractiveness of excessive apologies.  It shows weakness, timidness, lack of confidence, and overall lack of self acceptance.

I went to last night’s TKD sparring class.  I hadn’t been in a while.  Sparring is like fully expressing the art form through kicks and punches .  Boundaries are minimal.  But, as you can guess, I found the “sorry”s spilling out of me.  I couldn’t help it.  Punch, punch, kick (thud):  “Oh, sorry!”  Kick, kick, punch: “Sorry!” 

The great thing is that now I know I have nothing to be sorry for.  (Well, unless I intentionally harm or hurt another person or organization.)  We were told in TKD class not to apologize.  That’s what sparring is.  You fight knowing that it’s an exercise.  And in a way, I can curb my stream of “sorry”s by approaching it like TKD.  That’s how life is.  Sometimes I’ll be in someone’s way.  Sometimes someone will be in my way.  But I don’t have to apologize for myself and the whole world. 

I may still have weaknesses, but they are mine.  And for them, I am not sorry.