spontaneous birthings
head fluff when illuminated can reveal some very special thingsArchive for February, 2007
hiii-yaah!
I got my green belt!
Now I’m 5 steps closer to kicking your arse and punching you with my little fists!! (that is if you were trying to do something bad to me, but why on earth would you want to do that??)
meaningful head fluff
I visited Kim & Bill, and adorable-precious-deliciously-cute little Lani this past weekend. Whenever I do so, I often find myself thinking about being adopted. It’s a frequent topic between my sister and me, and now whenever I hold Lani, I wonder how it was when I was as small as she. Who held me? Did someone try and make me giggle and laugh?
I never desired to find my birthparents. I held the resolve that it wasn’t possible since there was no information about me and where I came from and to whom I belonged. And besides, I have a family.
One night this weekend I dreamt that I was in an old apartment. A bunch of children, around 10-16 years old, ran through the halls trying to find their room. The room that had information about their birthparents. I found mine, and in it was a letter saved for me. It was from an aunt. I think it was in Korean, but I don’t remember. I don’t think I even knew what it said. It was thrilling enough that something was actually left behind for me. I had access to a bit of my birth history.
I ran to find Kim. She held up something ornate, very beautiful, but I don’t recall what it was. I think it was from her grandmother, but the details are vague. We were both so happy.
I haven’t had a dream about birthparents or Korea or anything from my infancy since I was in Korea, or the first year or so I was in the States. It really surprised me that I had dreamt this at all. Perhaps my openness to learning about my past and the country in which I breathed my first breath invited the dream. I do want to go back to visit the orphanage and see where I came from. I know now that I have to do this for myself. Because I want to go back. Because it’s all a part of me.
circadian rhythm
Since my last post, it seems my life has altered in some drastic ways, but I wonder if it’s just my tendency to illuminate changes because I still consider change to be a sort of bomb. Not a deathly bomb, but an explosive bomb nonetheless. I have never liked dramatic changes. I get uncomfortable when I don’t know what to do next, when an apparent order to my days becomes challenged and obstacles spontaneously pop out of nowhere. But I’m getting better with it. I don’t fear change as much as I used to. I’ve discovered such wonderful things through the process. It has brought me happiness, a deeper sense of security, and a youthful excitement to see what will happen next.
My classes have started at Johns Hopkins, and while I am happy to be underway to earning my Masters degrees, I am exhausted. All the time. A few months ago, I wanted to keep myself busy. I wanted to fill my days with as much productivity as possible so as to enjoy my free time all the more. I was taking Spanish classes; I started tae kwon do. But now, I’ve been hit with the constant-busy-bomb, and my rhythm has changed from an energetic Now-What-Do-I-Do?! to a deflated, but diligent I-Must-Read-And-Read-And-Write-This-Paper. I don’t mean this to sound like complaining, and I’m sure it’s very close to it. I enjoy what I’m learning and asking questions like “How do we know what we don’t know?” in Media Theory, and while some of the subject matter is dry in Research & Writing Methods (as you might imagine), it will definitely be useful when it comes to writing my thesis.
My life now consists of:
- Work
- Class
- Tae kwon do
- Read
- Write papers
- Cook & Eat
…and variations of all the above…until, finally, I get to
7. Sleep.
So it’s not the most exciting and event-filled schedule, but I certainly feel like I’m doing something much bigger than outlined above. Considering the way I fall right to sleep, I feel like I’m spending my days exerting great physical activity, like carrying huge bricks of clay to build a pyramid, or working as one of those runner-taxi-people in China (am I being ethnically-crass here?) who rush people to their important business meetings. And perhaps my new life isn’t so much different.
It’s all hard work for some big picture.
